The Flying Fancypants

By M3

Surviving an unexpected long layover in O’Hare.

First order of business, i will get an iced coffee from McDonald’s. Sugar free vanilla with one cream. Save the cup for later. Right before E1 or E2 there is a water fountain with filling station. If you are stuck forever, you can reuse your iced coffee cup and fill with filtered water. Used coffee “Break” for people watching, listless reading, and practicing blank my stare. Between the B gates and E and F gates tree is a place called Cibo Express. Get an apple there. Day total $4. Lunch at Argo Tea in the F gates. Turkey black bean mango pot heated up for $5.95. Day total $10. Buy Mother’s Day cards from Hudson News. Nice cards. Papyrus brand. Day total $32. Wander more. If really bored you can go to the C gates. There they have more of the same stores, a few different restaurants, and a giant brontosaurus. There is also a Garret’s if you prefer their caramel popcorn over Nuts on Clark. I, personally, like Nuts on Clark. Great, now you made me want Nuts on Clark. Instead I will go to McDonald’s and get a plaint ice cream. It’s actually not that bad for you, calorie or fat-wise. Day total $34. Hopefully this will not run into dinner time, this is getting expensive, but I was gonna have to spend that money on Mother’s Day cards anyway…might as well use my time wisely.

The answers to perfect skin

I have fought with my skin my entire life. I never had awful awful acne, just annoying and persistent blemishes. There have been times where it would be perfect, and then just go crazy and stay that way out of nowhere. It always seemed like as soon as I found something that worked, my skin would stop behaving after a few months. I know many people would kill to just have one or two bad blemishes at a time consistently as opposed to a full face all the time, but it just always bugged me. It especially got old in my late 20’s when one would expect all that nonsense to be over. Hormones play a big role, I am positive, and diet is another. I think they are as important, if not more, than expensive product. Expensive products are certainly nice, and can do a lot for other problems, like aging, texture, and spotting. So here is my skin care regime. Also, I have tried Proactive, and I find it not awesome at all. Just had to put that out there.

1.) Birth control. So what if you’re not having sex or are a catholic, it’s awesome for regulating hormonal swings. It helps with your skin and with PMS problems. I used to get the worst back ache cramp combo! Not anymore.

2.) Exfoliate every day for a month. It’s the same concept as that Clarisonic brush, but not $200. Exfoliating not only cleans your pores better, but it helps your products soak in and work more effectively. I love love love love love Origins Modern Friction. It is amazing and your skin will glow. If you find exfoliating every night too rough on your skin, do it every other night. Also use a rich night moisturizer so your skin won’t get too dry. After your skin clears up you can go to just once a week or as needed.

3.) I don’t wash with a cleanser in the morning. Your face is already theoretically clean from the night before. I just wipe with a clean, wet wash cloth. Keeping some of your natural oils is good for your skin. It will also keep you from getting dry skin, especially in the winter.

4.) use a high SPF every day. I like Neutrogena Healthy Defense liquid moisturizer with SPF 50. It’s not too heavy and it works nice under makeup. Keep in mind I am in a very dry environment all day, if you find it too much for a humid climate, they make lighter versions. You just can’t beat it for under $20.

5.) It’s called Duac, it’s an acne medication and it’s amazing! I finally got so tired of my skin I went to the dermatologist (who is a Kardashian) and she gave me this. It is basically benzoyl peroxide with an antibiotic. She also wanted me to get the Clarisonic brush, but after paying for her and the ($85-with insurance!) medication, I wasn’t about to spend $200 on that device. That’s when I started exfoliating every day. Same concept.

6.) Good night cream. Chanel is the best. Everything they make is the best. It’s expensive, but a jar should last 6-8 months. You can cheap out on other stuff.

7.) Cetaphil cleanser. It’s cheap, easy, and works. You don’t have to spend a lot on cleanser, especially if you exfoliate afterwards every night like I told you.

8.) Eye cream. Again, Chanel is the best, but I also like Clarins, Origins, Avon, Mary Kay, if you’re a natural person, Annemarie Borland. Stay away from eye creams that reduce puffiness or dark circles. I find they dry skin out and can cause irritation. The thicker, the better. If you get enough sleep, and eat okay you shouldn’t have to deal with dark circles too much anyway. I meet so many girls who worry unnecessarily about dark circles. They end up caking on makeup and that’s unattractive. If I’m puffy and tired I lay a cold cloth over my eyes for a few minutes before I wipe my face and put on makeup.

9.) Vitamins. I take an amazing multi every day. It helps me in more ways than my skin. I find my mood more constant, PMS lessened, soft, glowing skin, more energy, and better digestion are some of the benefits. I take Shaklee’s Vitalizer for women. It’s daunting with each packet containing 5 different pills, but so worth it! It’s also $$$$. About $90 a month.

I haven’t worked out much of an anti-aging routine other than sleep, eating, and a good skin care routine, but it’s definitely on my mind. I have tried some good products. I like Lancôme’s Genefique serum and anything Chanel makes. Again, it’s $$$. Being almost 31, though, it is ever on my mind. If you follow my routine you would spend about $1,500 a year. I guess that’s a lot, but that includes the vitamins, dermatologist, and everything. There are other things that help with amazing skin. Eating lots of fruit and exercising almost every day are also things I do to keep it fancy.

On Travelling

Or how to not be an obnoxious traveller…

1.) Show up early. At least a hour at a small airport (like Kalispell, MT) and two and a half for somewhere like San Francisco (I once showed up with 2 hours and almost missed my flight and I can break in line!). Add a half hour if it’s not the butt crack of dawn, or a holiday. FYI, Spring break is a holiday. I know because I’m dealing with throngs of kids this very moment at work. Fridays, Sundays, and Mondays are some of the busiest travel days.

2.)Bring your own food. No one is going to look out for you like you can, and if they do, great, you have snacks for later. It’s healthier, cheaper, and can prevent hunger-inducing angry hulk fits. It’s also empowering. You are your own person! You can take care of yourself! How people manage to get through life without starving to death Is beyond me. You put them in an airport and it’s like they’re helpless…Some things I like to bring for pleasure travel include Sandwiches (pb&j, or turkey, promise it won’t go bad for at least 4 hours in your bag, unrefridgerated, plus they keep airports and airplanes cold). I like packaged sushi sets, too. They usually don’t hassle me about the wasabi and soy sauce packets. apples, bananas, other fruit, (as long as you eat it before you try to go to Canada). I love Lara Bars, Cliff Bars, carrots, trail mix, etc…if you get it at home it’s always cheaper and probably better for you.

3.) Have your shit together at security!
The rudest thing you can do at an airport is hold up the process. Everyone hates the guy who doesn’t have his shit together at security. How anyone at this point can not know about the 3-1-1 rule, is beyond me. Yet there is always someone who acts surprised. They have the same face as people who act shocked that I’m asking them to stow their purse. “My purse?” they snobbily ask and then scoff at me. Yes, your motherfucking purse. It’s a CARRY ON! It’s not like these rules haven’t always been around, in fact, they’re only going to get worse. As people keep doing stupid shit, we are going to keep making stupid rules to prevent it. Just have your liquids easily accessible in the security line. Don’t forget you’ll need to take your shoes off, and all jackets and heavy sweaters. Don’t argue with TSA, you will lose.

4.) Take a shower first. Hey, why not? You travel how much? Make today that special day you wash your ass.

5.) Put a carry-on under your feet, you’re just being selfish if you don’t. The only exceptions are if you have a handicap of some kind, are ridiculously tall and in a small seat, or you just have one big bag.

6.) Mind your feet. Why do people feel the need to take their shoes off immediately when they get on the plane? It’s not your house! It is a public setting! In an emergency you need your shoes, leave them on. It’s only a hour and a half flight anyway…NOBODY wants to see your stanky, nastyass feet. Unless you have gorgeous, soft, perfectly manicured feet in sandles, then people with feet fetishes may be interested….The only excuse is after the plane is above 10,000 feet (past mediate danger, theoretically). On a long flight, I guess I can understand as long as they don’t stink. Or if you are wearing sandals, and your feet are cold, and you have a pair of socks.

7.) Mind where you put your feet. I had a lady on my plane the other day who had her bare feet planted on the aisle armrest of the woman in front of her. Rude! I tried to get a pic for you guys, but I got busy working and doing my job. This lady had money, too. Just goes to show money can not buy you class.

8.) Mind your cell phone talk in the airport. We don’t care about your important business deal, your problem with your boyfriend, your problem with your friend, or yours or anyone else’s health problem. I must admit I can’t complain about this one too much, as
other people’s cell phone chatter in the airport entertains me. I do get annoyed when I hear the same person call 10 different people up and tell them their horrible travel story or how their flight is delayed blahblahblah….

9.) Mind how you treat the flight attendant, she really wants to kick you off the plane. She has been waiting for the chance to assert her authority over someone all day. It makes up for all the disrespect she/he puts up with throughout her days. Everyone shuts the fuck up real quick when they see someone booted. I’ve never had to kick someone off, personally, but people don’t usually stay mad at me. I eagerly await my chance to. You best believe it.

10.) Layer. No one is going to look out for your personal comfort like you can. The one thing you can count on when traveling is constant temperature change.

11.) Mind the smell of your food. Tuna, really? I call people out, too. “Oh god, that’s your food that smells! Thank goodness, I thought something bad happened back here.”

12.) Don’t talk to the pilots. They automatically think you’re an idiot. Just cause you saw a tv show about flying does not make you an expert. Also, just because you can fly a Cessna doesn’t make you an expert, either. There’s always one idiot asshole on a delayed flight who sounds so sure of himself he riles the rest of the passengers up. Just because he thinks he knows something about flying. That’s a good way to get kicked off a plane.

13.) Please refrain from the small plane comments that state the obvious. “Oh my gosh this is a small plane!” You get what you pay for, and if you’re getting to fly into bumfuck you are lucky. Don’t get all pissed when you go to Eau Clair (I dont know where it is, either) and your airplane is tiny. People want cheaper and cheaper airfare, bigger planes, nice, young, attractive flight attendants, and everything for free. It’s not possible. Best to just be happy with your $150 airplane ticket and look out for yourself by packing what you need. Remember it’s not the size of the plane that counts, it’s how big your flight attendants’ attitude is. You get farther in life and travel by keeping your cool, being organized, and treating people with respect.

Yeah, it’s as awesome as it looks.

Yeah, it’s as awesome as it looks.

"You have to spend your time finding luck, it won’t find you."

"You have to spend your time finding luck, it won’t find you."

It’s not the size of the plane that counts, it’s the size of your flight attendants’ attitude.

—Me

Travel Stuff I Like

1.)  A soap box (with good soap in it). Try CVS, as I am trying to Google soap box and not getting anything so literal as what I’m actually looking for. Hotel soap sucks anyway. I like Dr. Bronner’s Peppermint Bar Soap. Bar soap travels easily, is inexpensive, and TSA won’t give you too much crap about it. http://www.drbronner.com/DBMS/OBPE05/PeppermintOrganicBarSoap.htmx

2.) Goo Tubes. I got them at REI, but I’m pretty sure you can find them many places now. They are a little expensive, but amazing. I bought the 3 pack in the small size. Shampoo, Conditioner, and lotion. Bam. Hotel Shampoo, conditioner, and lotion suck anyway. Also, as a flight attendant, think of all the tiny, plastic bottles I’m saving not using that ish. http://www.rei.com/product/793920/humangear-gotoob-3-fl-oz-bottle-package-of-3x

3.)Sample jars. I keep them and hoard them away. I like to use them for eye cream, face cream, face scrub, etc…Even though I can carry full sized liquids, I really don’t want to. It especially sucks if you forget it in your hotel room as well. It’s better to lose a sample-sized jar of Chanel night cream than a full-sized one. I like the one’s Sephora has. I will go there and ask for a sample of something I like that I’ve been “Wanting to try.”

4.) Hello Kitty travel bags. I get unnecessarily excited about travel bags, gear and tiny, travel-sized things…These little bags at www.sanrio.com are adorable. I like to have 4 separate bags anyway. One for hair stuff, one for small tools and small lotions, perfumes, bobby pins, sewing kit, etc…, one for makeup, and one for toiletries. I guess as a regular person travelling, you maybe want one bag for dry makeup, and one bag you can put your quart-sized, clear, plastic, zip-topped bag in. Sucks for you. http://shop.sanrio.com/hello-kitty-cosmetic-pouch/24396-201109defaultpd.html?cgid=Cosmetic-Bags-And-Casesxhttp://shop.sanrio.com/hello-kitty-cosmetic-pouch/41840-201109defaultpd.html?cgid=Cosmetic-Bags-And-Casesxhttp://shop.sanrio.com/hello-kitty-black-travel-pouch/82874-201110defaultpd.html?cgid=Cosmetic-Bags-And-Casesx

5.) The right, not broken carry on bag. For the record, I have to carry a boring, black, roller board. For the money (and I have done a ton of research, trust me) I like Costco’s black luggage. They’re about $100, and used and abused almost daily, they will last a year. Keep the receipt as well, because you can exchange them for forever if you’re not happy. I exchange mine whenever it gets too ratty looking. Imagine how long that will last you as a normal person who doesn’t travel so much? Don’t get the one’s with the crazy wheels, those don’t fit into the overhead of smaller planes. If you don’t like how boring they look, you can find light-up wheels and have them put on it. They also make a lot of fancy bag tags and what not that rampers can’t wait to knock off. It’s important that your bag is not broken. I watch people hobble through the airport with broken, terrible luggage. It looks awful, and as I glide by them effortlessly with my tons of bags, I can’t help but shake my head. Unless it’s someone who looks like they can’t afford it, then I actually just feel terrible and lucky that I am blessed with a job and an impetus to have good luggage. During Christmas I get a lot of people who’s bags have broken or they had no bag at all and they are just black garbage-bagging it. That makes me really sad. Some other good places to look for luggage is where crews buy their bags. www.ebags.com, www.crewgear.com, etc…

6.) The right big purse/duffle/tote bag thingy. I like to go to TjMaxx for these sorts of things. They have a lot of really awesome little bags and duffles for cheap. They also do okay on luggage, but I still find what they sell to be less durable than the Costco. I like LeSportsac. They have a ton of different colors/designs, styles, shapes, and pocket options on their website. An extra bag you can put your purse, reading material, snacks, beauty products, and other entertainment in is always nice. That way it’s easily accessible under your feet (unless you’re one of those selfish people that never puts anything under their seats, yeah, that’s what we think you are, effing selfish), and you can leave your larger carry on in the overhead for the whole flight. If you are a smart packer, you can make it a week just packing like this, and never have to check anything. Parents, please don’t think because you are travelling with 2 kids, and that you all can have 2 carry ons that this means you need to bring 6 or 8 carry ons with you. Who ends up carrying all that ish? You do. The right tote is so much better than throwing all that stuff in a Trader Joe’s bag. Most men usually do a lot better with this part because they bring their laptop cases and backpacks. They also don’t carry a lot of beauty products, so they tend to travel lighter. For any men out there, LeSportsac has nice men’s options, too. You may want to go with something more manly, though, like a diesel purse. http://www.lesportsac.com/store/7008_D098.htmlx

Unless you are a hot, skinny, European, Asian, or South American girl, do not carry a fanny pack. I’m not sure why only foreigners can pull it off, but it’s the same reason they can pull off never matching or taking a bath. I think artsy, young, American chicks can pull of the look as well. It never works on a man. Ever. Unless it’s purple and you look like a Big Gay Al, then it’s awesome. If you are old, those little, clear, square thingies on a string that go around your neck, make you look your age. At least hide them under your shirt or put them in your bag. Idk…maybe I will feel differently at your age, or maybe you’ve earned the right to wear whatever the hell you want. 

There’s many travel beauty products I love and many things I can’t live without, but this is a start.